not having work is not the same as not having worth. There is a person underneath all the things we find to kill time, and is measured by what we can do in our own eyes. personal achievements vs. achievement in the public eye. someone that is entirely potential; tapped and untapped. a shift in focus. what we can do vs. what we do for a living vs. what we do to help others live vs. what we do to feel alive. this self does not include the people around us. minds are islands and there are no bridges. we  are influenced by people but we are limited by our own empathy and experiences. each person is their own self.

Doing something for a living takes such precedence. I'm stuck in a rut where it feels like there isn't enough time for everything, except now there isn't much time at work and it's making me feel as though I've got nothing to fall back on. Right now though I've just got to remember that my work isn't me anyway and that there are the other aspects that I can work on with the extra time. I've tied too much of myself to what I am able to do in financial comfort, and losing a few shifts isn't going to throw me to the sharks.

Reassurance.

It has spurred me to find work that I am happy doing. What we do for a living doesn't have to be separate from what we do to feel alive. There are people fortunate enough to have found a middle ground - though no doubt it would've been a combination of fortune and ridiculous hard work. Something for me to work towards.

This post is not guaranteed to make sense.

Move

Sticking this in a (virtual) neuron for later, as Peter Carroll would say. In my dream, we moved to an apartment in Singapore that felt very, well, un-Singaporean. Flat roofs, reasonably tall apartments with courtyards, fading chalky paint and ornamentation. It seemed more like India, or somewhere further into the continent. I had no idea what we were doing there and Lily was still supposed to be going to school in AU. She had a cheap weekly plane ticket. I want this to be the travel bug in my subconscious  telling me to get moving; home is always close by when flying is a cheap ticket. Hopefully I'll draw this later, I don't think it actually looks anything like what I have. This was about the same time last year that I started having the strange dreams and it would be pretty damn cool if they start happening again.

In nothing new, I'm trying to be more involved in the community (pharmacy + arts). Things that I've applied for recently:

- so many pharmacy jobs. soo many. I've put off following up applications because... I don't know, I didn't want to seem overzealous. Obviously I was an idiot before but now that I'm desperate to get my foot in the door, I have very few fucks to give about what they'll think of me anymore. I have a few to chase up after next Fri. 

- theatre front of house. still on my to-do list c.2011! can't stop me

- volunteer work. it'd be nice to be on the local scene. 

- extra pt load. this might be the last thing I need on top of a ft load but I think I really want to try this. 

Olivia said I might be one of those people who can't decide on doing one thing, and she probably didn't mean it as an endearment. Lots of love to her though, she taught me much. This is probably when I'll have the most time on my hands so I may as well give it all a go. Shoot for the stars and land on the moon, right?

The universe is larger

My former tutor from primary school decided to hire my desperate self to help out at her place today. As exciting as getting a job was, it clashed with my ambitious plans to explore Ikea with Pompea. Soon ...!): I kind of expected to follow her around and wait for her to tell me to do things but it turned out being the complete opposite. I barely spoke to The Bauss after we set up in the morning.

The day consisted mostly of marking and eating and asking the dudes what I was supposed to be doing. I felt super insecure sitting next to them, slowly ticking through my one maths paper, while they were raging through their several papers in a firestorm of red pens. They were freaking machines. holy moly. It probably sounds really mundane, but in real life ... swt bb jzs how am I supposed to keep up with them?? First day here! I made new friends though yayaya.

So, marking homework took up most of the day. I was supposed to help out with homework classes as well but oh my god HAHAHHAHhdhasjdf I hadn't used long division and manual multiplication in SO LONG it felt completely alien to me. Just had to wing it, and luckily it worked out ok - not many people asked. One of The Dudes tried to make me take a homework class. That was a close call.

They bought us Thai food/Pizza from Pizza Hut for lunch. Since I have minimal tolerance for spicy food I ordered pasta from le pizza place, but they didn't include a fork. As a result, there was a pre-meal adventure around the building trying to find one. I ended up using somebody's spoon from the staff tea kitchen ewww (I washed it, but still). Serving pizza to a bajillion hungry children is bloody intense. It was a race to slice pizza into slices of 2, using tongs, and throw them onto plates to hand out to hungry pizza monsters. Hardcore.

Memorable events:

- The image above. I gave that kid 10 ticks.

- One of The Dudes was trying to do something to the ceiling in the room nearby and it ended up crumbling and falling on him. The ceiling was made of some soft material so he didn't get hurt (he wasn't standing directly under it either), but the novelty of a ceiling falling on someone just made it hilarious. :')

- Calling after this little girl thinking she was a family friend of mine. "Danielle, Danielle! Are you Danielle?" "No.." "Oh ok. Would you girls like some chips?" That was awkward.

- Awkward moment of the day: Right at the end, before everyone left. I think we were waiting for The Bauss to return to give le monet, so The Dudes and I just stood around for a bit. Eventually, we were spaced across the room and somehow everybody was preoccupied with their phones. Even the Deputy Bauss. What was going on?? Monkey see, monkey do: I got out my phone as well and texted Ana & Steven that I was pretending to be busy on my phone by texting them.

That was kind of fun (I'm pretty sure my pay rate is ILLEGAL though :c ).

EDIT: I started saving up for my retirement today : D

JOB IDEAS - aka, edit: ways-to-get-money that I can think of

I probably should've done this ages ago. Even my piano teacher told me (back in June!!) to start applying asap, after the trial exams. Right now, I'm not looking forward to writing cover letters and faking my uncontrollable enthusiasm for stationery or fashion over the next few weeks. Ggrgrgrrrr. This was a list I made this morning at 2am when Ana reminded me that positions for Xmas casuals are filling up fast.

Retail/Customer Service

• Cotton On - have applications closed ? yes they have.
• Smiggle - With this and Cotton On, I'm slightly irked by the third party "career" pages for retail chains which have lots of links and scroll bars and information about being enthusiastic about customer service and delivering exceptional bla bla bla. Just tell me where to apply. > 8( Oh geez I hope an employer doesn't see this.
• Myer - I get lost in places like Myer.
• Glassons
• Kikki K -> this would be pretty awesome, except the closest store is at Town Hall, and their design team is based in Melbourne 8C
• Cinemas - Liverpool, Parramatta. I just tried to call Parra but the answering machine put me on hold for 15 minutes and nobody picked up.
• At a music store - Bavas' Music City (Liverpool)/Allens' music

Food places

• Cafes - the only ones nearby are filled with middle aged male patrons who sit outside and gossip every day. Also, I can't speak any Asian languages fluently ... There is an awesomesauce place in Redfern, but that'll be quite the urban trek from here.
• Restaurant - someone might get food poisoning. Are there any casual/minor management positions? Do those exist? !?
• Crispy Crepe - I like crepes : D

Other

• Helping out at the tutoring place I used to go to - I hear their pay might be breaching minimum wage laws though?
• Pet stores - I might be allergic to cats

Other job ideas that are unrealistic but would be extremely satisfying

• Working at the zoo
• Working at the aquarium
• Working at the museum
• Performing at gigs - which would involve writing music but we haven't done any of that yet ...
• Creating things. Threadless?!?! ? ? ? ??

Places I will not work at

• McDonalds
• Fast food places

I think people have just finished the 3U paper. Hopefully that went well, and good luck to all the 3U-religious people who are going to have an eventful cramming in the next couple of hours!