not having work is not the same as not having worth. There is a person underneath all the things we find to kill time, and is measured by what we can do in our own eyes. personal achievements vs. achievement in the public eye. someone that is entirely potential; tapped and untapped. a shift in focus. what we can do vs. what we do for a living vs. what we do to help others live vs. what we do to feel alive. this self does not include the people around us. minds are islands and there are no bridges. we  are influenced by people but we are limited by our own empathy and experiences. each person is their own self.

Doing something for a living takes such precedence. I'm stuck in a rut where it feels like there isn't enough time for everything, except now there isn't much time at work and it's making me feel as though I've got nothing to fall back on. Right now though I've just got to remember that my work isn't me anyway and that there are the other aspects that I can work on with the extra time. I've tied too much of myself to what I am able to do in financial comfort, and losing a few shifts isn't going to throw me to the sharks.

Reassurance.

It has spurred me to find work that I am happy doing. What we do for a living doesn't have to be separate from what we do to feel alive. There are people fortunate enough to have found a middle ground - though no doubt it would've been a combination of fortune and ridiculous hard work. Something for me to work towards.

This post is not guaranteed to make sense.

aimy has a productive day

bastard child of jules de balincourt and andrew hem

Today has been remarkably productive and I am proud of myself. Though it's late and work is early tomorrow, I feel it necessary to record this elation before it gets lost in the momentum of every day hum drum. What I did today:

- finished Zen + Art. I'm unsure of what to make of the ending, I definitely have to read over it again. Sometimes I felt like it was hitting the nail on the head with certain topics but other times RP drew such strange conclusions out of what felt like abstraction. It definitely left me in a contemplative state though. Good read. 

- applied for a job. 

- finally dropped by TC to help out. I got to meet some lovely ladies who ran the shop, and they taught me a few things before we ended up just chatting and getting to know each other. So charming. K is adorable and N is a cool mum. I went to the toy shop and then the bakery (I bought a cinnamon scroll) and then rode my bike home. 

- started a painting. I liked how it looked but it wasn't how it looked in my dream. Still going. 

- joined le gym! went rowing! cross trainer! machines! lifting things! 

oh today was good. 

if only i could drop the unrelenting burden of doubt, which has been robbing me of sleep and stealing enjoyment from my day. It's a constant, undulating sadness. I've almost completely accepted my fate re: 2821 but I'm still deciding what my plan of action will be for that as well as other things. I'll find the courage to check soon. 

Move

Sticking this in a (virtual) neuron for later, as Peter Carroll would say. In my dream, we moved to an apartment in Singapore that felt very, well, un-Singaporean. Flat roofs, reasonably tall apartments with courtyards, fading chalky paint and ornamentation. It seemed more like India, or somewhere further into the continent. I had no idea what we were doing there and Lily was still supposed to be going to school in AU. She had a cheap weekly plane ticket. I want this to be the travel bug in my subconscious  telling me to get moving; home is always close by when flying is a cheap ticket. Hopefully I'll draw this later, I don't think it actually looks anything like what I have. This was about the same time last year that I started having the strange dreams and it would be pretty damn cool if they start happening again.

In nothing new, I'm trying to be more involved in the community (pharmacy + arts). Things that I've applied for recently:

- so many pharmacy jobs. soo many. I've put off following up applications because... I don't know, I didn't want to seem overzealous. Obviously I was an idiot before but now that I'm desperate to get my foot in the door, I have very few fucks to give about what they'll think of me anymore. I have a few to chase up after next Fri. 

- theatre front of house. still on my to-do list c.2011! can't stop me

- volunteer work. it'd be nice to be on the local scene. 

- extra pt load. this might be the last thing I need on top of a ft load but I think I really want to try this. 

Olivia said I might be one of those people who can't decide on doing one thing, and she probably didn't mean it as an endearment. Lots of love to her though, she taught me much. This is probably when I'll have the most time on my hands so I may as well give it all a go. Shoot for the stars and land on the moon, right?

Pause

most popular girl in town. mona lisa 2012

Right yeah deep title. More like I've pretty much paused work for way too long now, but wow that photo was from over a year ago. Sometimes I retain vivid mental images and that must've been one of those moments (aside from it obviously being archived forever as a photo, duh) because it still feels so damn recent. Time is moving so quickly. This is the worst time to reminisce but it's too late and I did it and it's made me realise that so much has happened and changed since. If ideas and surroundings change, can people still stay the same? 

I'll come back to this later before I spend too long on here. Tonight's been a dramatic one but tomorrow seems more promising. I'll have fresh optimism to carry me through, endless hope for the people I care about, and energy for the shit I have to take care of. Good night. 

+

It didn't feel right to end on such a negative post and I still feel like procrastinating (I'll regret this in about half an hour) so I'm going to make this post a positive one. I've been consciously mentally conditioning myself to deal with things lately and this is the strangest way of coping I've tried, but whatever works, works. It could be worse. Just gotta get through these next 2 weeks and then holidays! h o l i d a y s

Things I plan to do these holidays

• work, get money $$$$$$
• dear any pharmacy in Sydney, pls hire me 
• spend time with family. I'm going to have to work hard on this one..
• spend time with friends 
• spend time well
• draw everything. get better and then get somewhere. 
• Iceland
• master studies 
• garden. I might be too ambitious with this one but I want to get some kind of plant nursery going.
• read
• develop my film. develop that roll from the holga..! 
• document my time better.
• travel
• TAS
• Blue Mts 4ever
• ride my bike! 

Queen B

So I never properly listened to Beyonce until last week when I fell into an awful slump and holy jesus did she turn my week around. It must've been a combination of her tunes + me reaching the end of my tether, but I am absolutely certain that her voice is magical. No doubt about it. I would've lingered on the problem for even longer otherwise. 2821 got me so bogged down in confusion it felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel and just no place for it in the bigger picture. Thankfully it makes a bit more sense now but I've still miles to go.

Sistahs gotta stick 2gether. Girl power woohoo.

Also, a new header! The previous one was kinda ugly and I didn't like it anyway. This one's a bit of a return to the first one and I'm enjoying it a muuch more. Simple, but not static. I might have just realised that that's the kind of life I hope for, which gives me the perfect segue into what I wanted to talk about: life right now.

There's been an atmosphere slowly growing around certain people and lately it's starting to become toxic. What's worse is having to share the breathing space with them. The generational and cultural gap is widening and becoming more apparent in my family.

Sometimes I feel like I can't stand my sister but at times like these I (hopefully she does too) realise we're in the same boat. Things that my mum/grandma say are just so fucking shocking yet their attitudes are incorrigible and Lily and I end up on the receiving end of a narrow-minded reeducation. I guess the proper thing to do would be to just keep my head down until I can move out but I'm going to note this as a very distinct change in my own attitudes. I'm fairly sure that this time last year the plan was to just stick around home and take my time saving up until I could be financially comfortable on my own. Maybe I've matured, maybe it's just become more obvious or intolerable now that we're all in closer proximity, but I want out. I'm sure Lily wants out too and if money were no object we would be so out.

I understand that it's a cultural thing for the hierarchy to be the way it is but given that we are getting older and they brought us up to think, they were way too optimistic to expect us not to question authority. We do have valid ideas, but if they're unwilling to consider change or /empathise/ then whatever that's how they are, old people, middle aged people. I'll just stay under the radar. Hopefully the narrow mindedness isn't genetic. Considering that it's infected 2 generations though.. hah.

In other news, I feel like I'm directing way too much effort in being grumps towards other people. Maybe to much effort to begin with. I just imagine everyone's busy concentrating on their own stuff and I'm bugging people left/right/centre because I can't deal with being by myself for a few weeks. Right about now the doubts start rising and they tell me to depend on no one, abandon attachment, expect little, and find a cat who will love me forever. Joy. I miss my people.

Holidays come at meeeeee plsletmepassthough.

Also fuck CD.

HNMR of caffeine. Drug of choice for the next week.