holiday, work.

Two months gone so quickly and now uni looms ahead, two weeks away. I feel a mixture of relief and reluctance, having jumped from highly productive to sloth mode countless times this holiday but overall feeling unaccomplished.

Pharmacy work is still nowhere in sight even though I machine gunned out applications early in January, and now I'm in a feeling of disenchantment. How do I keep on trying to enter a field that seems like it, cliche as this sounds, doesn't need me? Is there even any reason to? Apparently it's a numbers game but it feels so much harder than it looks for other people.

Hopelessness. That's a bit of what it feels like. Every letter is a futile attempt and I don't know what's compelling me to keep going anymore. At least when class starts again there'll be a sense of productivity that can make up for the lack of actual work.

Writing continues.

Heavy words
I can't hold this weight

slightly mediocre

My family isn't particularly religious, so we don't throw a huge hurrah when Christmas rolls around. Today has been largely disappointing. Most of the week I worked myself up to be excited because it's Christmas and tis the season, etc. Working every second day and spending the days in between with people turned out to be just the right balance, and even if I could've done with a bit more time to do my own thing it was going so well. Today though, my mood peaked about 2 hrs after waking up and has been noticeably declining since. 

The past 8 hours has been mostly me overeating alone (re-enter: ice cream phase) and trying to paint Wendy's Christmas peacock. I don't feel the energy to draw though and I've noticed the declining quality of my animals since the squirrel, which is somewhat upsetting and demotivating. Photos of friends/families are flooding FB and I am definitely feeling a pang of jealousy; my family is probably incapable of ever having something like that. This unit has been rapidly disintegrating and is now beyond redemption.

There are 3 hours left of today and I will do something

\(^__^)/ honi soit

2013 playlist

shits n gigs. soundtrack of the year by month, fddf ed.

not having work is not the same as not having worth. There is a person underneath all the things we find to kill time, and is measured by what we can do in our own eyes. personal achievements vs. achievement in the public eye. someone that is entirely potential; tapped and untapped. a shift in focus. what we can do vs. what we do for a living vs. what we do to help others live vs. what we do to feel alive. this self does not include the people around us. minds are islands and there are no bridges. we  are influenced by people but we are limited by our own empathy and experiences. each person is their own self.

Doing something for a living takes such precedence. I'm stuck in a rut where it feels like there isn't enough time for everything, except now there isn't much time at work and it's making me feel as though I've got nothing to fall back on. Right now though I've just got to remember that my work isn't me anyway and that there are the other aspects that I can work on with the extra time. I've tied too much of myself to what I am able to do in financial comfort, and losing a few shifts isn't going to throw me to the sharks.

Reassurance.

It has spurred me to find work that I am happy doing. What we do for a living doesn't have to be separate from what we do to feel alive. There are people fortunate enough to have found a middle ground - though no doubt it would've been a combination of fortune and ridiculous hard work. Something for me to work towards.

This post is not guaranteed to make sense.